Broken Hearts, New Dreams
by too-much-like-Luna
Summary: My version of what conspired between Tonks and Lupin before and directly after the Hospital Wing scene in HBP. Tonks has to stay at Lupin's house.
1. Broken Hopes

He was surprised by how much it hurt him to look into Tonks' eyes and to know that it was _he_ that was causing her this pain. It hurt him to look at her hair, not its normal shade of vibrant pink, but a dull, mousy brown. Her eyes, usually so vibrant and involved, were withdrawn, sad and pain filled. He shouldn't have come to this meeting, there was no need, and after all, he already had his assignment and could keep up with other news easily enough through the members of the Order that he had some contact with.

He left as soon as the meeting was finished.

*** *** ***

By the time he came to the Weasleys' house for supper one night two weeks after the meeting he had once more grown accustomed to his chosen status as a hermit. He was surprised by how much he had sunk within himself; he used to talk to people at least every second day.

But, he supposed, the people he used to talk to were all dead, gone, and there were only the visions of the sad girl to keep him company. It was odd for him to be among people again, to be spoken too, and he was ashamed of himself for hiding so much. The point of his going to Hogwarts, of being able to pretend (at least before the full moon) that he was a normal person, and not a monster, was being wasted. He was becoming like some of the other werewolves he knew, brooding, unused to company, and utterly, terribly, lonely. Though he was, he hoped, not evil.

It was hard to admit, even to himself, that he was letting his love (for yes, he had realized it was love) for Tonks get in the way of everything, and everyone, else. And yet, anytime he was near her, it got harder and harder for him to resist the temptation to give in, to admit that he loved her.

He wasn't much company during dinner. He sat, brooding, in his chair, trying to ignore the glares Molly Weasley kept shooting his way. She had approached him again at the beginning of the last meeting, begging him to see Tonks, to come to his senses, to stop ignoring the world. But she didn't see that he couldn't let in to the temptation. He was a monster and he would not, would absolutely _not_ put anyone he loved into that kind of danger. It was frustrating that Mrs. Weasley and the others could not see his reasons for keeping his distance, for they weakened his will every time they mentioned how thin Tonks was becoming, or how she hadn't changed her appearance in months. It hurt him, and for that reason he wouldn't go near Tonks.

Of course, plans never do go directly as planned.

The doorbell rang in his flat minutes after Lupin had gotten up and ready for the day. He sighed, and considered ignoring it, as it was always one of his Muggle neighbors (he had taken a flat in a Muggle neighborhood, believing it was the place that anyone who was looking for him would consider the least likely to be his home) But, if he ignored it, and the Muggle told his friends how rude he had been, word might get around about the rude hermit living in the small flat. He looked through the peek hole, to determine what the Muggle was likely to be asking (it was always either a brochure for a cause, a request to donate to a cause, or an invitation to join an obscure church) and found that it was in fact, Tonks.

He opened the door cautiously, not sure why she was here. He did the usual questions to determine whether she was Tonks or a Death Eater. But he found himself at loss of what to ask after the usual "What's your name?" He was silent for a moment, and Tonks, showing the only sign of her usual self in ages rolled her eyes and said, " The last thing you said to me was 'hello' at the Burrow, 20 days ago, at an Order meeting, happy?"

He nodded, not sure if she was being bitter or not.

"Look, Lupin, I'm supposed to ask if I can stay at your place for a bit, Mum and Dad are doing something for the Order, which includes them using my room, and I have nowhere to stay and everyone else is too obviously involved with the Order for me to stay with them. Whereas you aren't being watched because no one can find you, and the Ministry won't find out I'm here and sack me." she said it all in a rush, as though trying to get it out in the open as soon as possible; she avoided Lupins' eyes the whole time, staring rather fixedly at the pavement instead.

Lupin was utterly flabbergasted, how could he refuse Tonks if it was Order business? He was sure that having her in the same flat as himself would not be beneficial to either of them, and yet without saying his reasons for this to everyone, he could not refuse.

"Just as a matter of curiosity, who suggested my house?" he asked, opening the door wider and gesturing for her to come inside, trying to not look too resigned, or too happy.

"Mrs. Weasley," she mumbled as she moved quickly through the door, too quickly, as she tripped on the welcome mat and nearly fell into the house.

_Of course_, Lupin thought, _the old matchmaker,_ before he closed the door behind her.

*** *** ***

For Tonks, having to beg _Lupin_ or all people for a place to stay was excruciating. She hated looking into his eyes and the cold, withdrawn look that was always there. She hated to be near him, to feel him by her, but be unable to touch him, to talk to him. She kept her eyes trained on her feet, hoping he would think that she was trying not to trip--though she had to admit even that didn't help much-- and tried to distance herself, tried not to feel the agony of being near him but not near him at all.

Lupin attempted to be gallant, offering Tonks his room, she, trying not to think of his _room,_ demanded that she be given the couch, saying Lupin needed better sleep than she did. It was weird for them both to be so close, and both so withdrawn. Lupin fondly remembered the old days, when they had just met, and he didn't know whether or not she fancied him and Sirius was there, and they talked and had parties and got way too drunk until they spilled all of their deepest secrets and Tonks would laugh and laugh until she fell under the table, which made Sirius and Lupin laugh all the harder, until it felt like the would never stop. And then Tonks would get up and try to make them stop, but she would inevitably trip and they would keep laughing at her expense, and then when they slept they would sit in their chairs--being too tired to move-- and the laughter would still be etched upon Sirius and Tonks' faces.

But they were dead now, gone, Sirius, James, Lily, the old, vibrant Tonks, and everyone else Lupin had ever loved. He shut his heart against those memories. He was a monster, and the time was past when he could forget that.


	2. Haunting, Cold, Distant and Unattainable

Tonks' depression increased over the next two days. She was angry with herself, and with him and his stubbornness, but angrier at herself. She had always scoffed at the women in novels who pinned away after their beloved, and yet she was doing the same thing. But she just couldn't find the will within herself to fight. Her whole life now seemed meaningless, and there was just no point in doing anything. She fought, she tried to care, to look at the world, but she couldn't do it. She had seen in his eyes that he loved her, and to know that he did but was too stubborn--was too sure that he was a monster-- to succumb was infuriating. And it hurt _him._ Tonks had never wanted to hurt him. So she wasted away, trying to stop loving him, trying to stop hurting him, but she couldn't do it. She was exactly like one of those women in the novels, and she hated it.

Lupin was nervous as he approached her the third morning she had been at his flat. She had taken over the cooking, pronouncing that she now understood why he was so thin (it was, according to her, because his cooking was so terrible that he could only eat meager portions of it.) He didn't want to startle her and have her burn her hand again--as she had last time she hadn't known he was in the same room-- so he was careful to make his steps loud enough to warn her of his imminent approach.

"Would you like any help?" he asked courteously.

She turned toward him, holding a plate full of scrambled eggs, toast and sausage carefully in one hand. "If you could just take this to the table Lupin, I'll get the other one." she kept her voice carefully emotionless and her eyes were fixed on the plate. He reached out to take it, but as their hands touched Tonks jerked and dropped the plate. She let out a wail, "Oh Merlin's pants! I'm sorry Remus. I didn't mean to!" She looked up into his eyes as she said his name for the first time in weeks. Lupin, who had taken his wand out, about to fix the plate and put the food back on, was caught by the color of her eyes, and they remained like that, staring straight into each other's eyes, until the other eggs started to burn and Tonks remembered that she was supposed to not be looking at Remus' face.

They ate their breakfast in silence until Lupin had finished and washed his plate. He wasn't looking at her when he said, "Tonks… it's the full moon in two days, so I'm leaving today…" he said it hesitantly, no longer sure how she'd take it.

"Oh Lupin, if you want me to leave and you can stay here…" she said quickly, unsure how much of a nuisance she was to him.

"It's fine, Tonks, its better if I'm not here anyway. If I'm not back in four days time, you can alert the Order." He was ashamed by how much his voice softened when he said her name. It just wasn't right.

He left to get the stuff he would need. There wasn't much, and he was ready to leave by the time Tonks was finished breakfast and had washed her dishes. He stood at the door to the kitchen awkwardly, leaning on the frame. She didn't notice he was there until she made to leave the kitchen and nearly knocked into him, which made her try to turn, which, in turn, made her trip. As he gave her a hand getting up, which she accepted instinctively, he remembered that he hadn't touched her in a month. She stood upright, but he didn't let go of her hand. "I'll be back in four days, Tonks. Try not to drop anything or trip while I'm gone, kay? There's no saying what might happen."

He managed to drop her hand, and turned his back on her, so he didn't see how her eyes filled with confusion, and love, and pain.

*** *** ***

With Lupin gone, Tonks tended to take even less care of herself. She went to work in the mornings, came home in the afternoon and would have something small and easy to make for dinner. She tended to skip lunch and only had breakfast sometimes. The first two days were gloomy, and she stayed inside and slept when she wasn't working. The third day was the day she had promised she would do paperwork, so she stayed late at the Ministry, trying to pretend that she still enjoyed her job. By the time she got home, it was so late that she was actually hungry, and made a proper meal for herself in the first time in three days. She ate only half of it--the meat tasted weird and the rice was cooked too well-- and went out to Lupin's little backyard (he had told her months ago that he had used magic to make a yard where none should be) where he had apparently attempted to make a garden. He had put a tall fence around the yard and planted a few flowers, but had never actually finished it. She sat on the bench and stared up at the sky, for once feeling almost perfectly peaceful. She was getting a stomach-ache so she supposed the meat must have been off, but she didn't want to move. As the stomach-ache grew more and more uncomfortable, and seemed to spread the pain to the rest of her torso, and then her legs and finally her head, Tonks attempted to get up, to move, to get back into the house, but her legs buckled and she fell as her vision went cloudy, and then almost black.

It was her ninth birthday, the only one that her mother ever allowed her to invite only wizards. Bill and Charlie Weasley were there, and her mother had invited some of her parents' friends, who in turn brought their kids (though Dora didn't actually like them at _all_) and her cousin Sirius had come, and brought his two mates he was always talking about…

His eyes were caramel, and kind, and she had dropped a plate on his foot…

Sirius was laughing and laughing, until he fell off his chair, and Lupin laughed harder, and then…

10th birthday… he was there again. He said he liked her hair pink… She broke a glass of water as she handed it to him… made him wet…

He was quiet, staring into the fire…Sirius was gone…again, but for good…

Sirius was bugging James, who hit him with a pillow, which resulted in a fight… Remus came over, tried to stop it…Sirius and James turn on him instead…he falls and laughs… and Tonks reveals her hiding place by tripping over her feet… they hit her now…and laughing, laughing…

His eyes…haunting…cold…distant…unattainable.


	3. An Un Heard Apology

Lupin was worried when he opened the door and Nymphadora didn't appear. When he called her and she still didn't appear he began to panic. Quickly he strode from room to room, calling her name over and over again. It wasn't a work day and it was doubtful that she would have left without leaving a note (she had, after all, known when he was coming back.) Though he knew it was useless (she would have heard him from anywhere in the flat, so it wasn't likely it was merely a problem of not being in the same room) he checked every room with no luck. Standing in his own bedroom, at a loss of where do look next, he suddenly remembered the garden he had given up on, which he had told her about months ago. Terrified for some reason he couldn't quite name he strode towards the door, and, with his heart in his throat, opened it and saw Nymphadora lying on the ground, halfway between the bench and the door.

"Nymphadora! What are you doing? Answer me!" She lay so still and limp that as he strode towards her he had an intense feeling of dread about what he would find, of what had happened to her, or whether she even still alive.

She was cold and gave no resistance to his shaking but Lupin was relieved to find that her heart beat, if only faintly.

Cursing, Lupin picked her up, opened the door with magic and set Nymphadora on the couch before doing a Patronus charm to call Molly.

****

"I didn't know what to do, Molly. I thought I should get you first, and then decide whether or not we should risk taking her to Mungo's. She was outside when I got home. I have absolutely no idea how long-" Remus broke of his babbling as they reached the couch. Molly sat down and cast a few charms, which Remus--in his currently distracted state of mind-- didn't bother to remember.

After several minutes Remus could no longer contain himself. "How is she? Is she really bad? Should I have taken her to Mungo's right away?"

Molly didn't answer for a couple of seconds, letting Remus' ramblings turn to mutters before she talked. "I think it was poison. I don't know what kind, or how much."

"Poison! How could she have been poisoned? Nymphadora isn't stupid. She knows better than to let herself be poisoned."

"I don't know, Remus. I can only guess that someone gave it to her without her knowing it, or put it in food that you bought and she was the first to eat. It's possible it wasn't even intended for her. She likely didn't eat enough to kill her. I doubt whoever did this meant for the poison to do no more than make the victim unconscious. You did right not taking her to St. Mungo's; it could have been a Ministry employee who poisoned her." Molly's usually cheery face was weary and worried.

Remus felt his own face go white. "You mean, the poison may have been meant for me? And the only reason we're having this conversation is because _she _took the poison intended for _me?_ That she could have died, because of _me_? That-"

"Remus, stop it. There is no telling what might have happened. Stop pulling your hair out. Sit down."

Remus sat in the vacant chair she had indicated, still clutching his hair. Molly gazed at him for several seconds, letting him stew while she thought.

"You love her." It wasn't a question, but Remus nodded anyway.

"Don't you think you ought to tell her that sometime? Don't you think it would do both of you good?"

"I'm too old, too poor, and, obviously, as shown in this little incident, too dangerous." His tone was bleak when he replied.

"Don't you think that she's considered that? Nymphadora is quite smart, Remus, she wouldn't want anything she believed could hurt her."

When he didn't answer, keeping his eyes fixed on Nymphadora's limp form on the couch, Molly Weasley sighed.

"She's just in a very deep sleep, I don't know if she feels any pain or not. There's nothing we can do but wait for her to wake up. Talk to her, it might be incentive for her to wake up. I'll come back tomorrow." She walked to the door, then stopped and looked back at the figure seated motionless in the chair.

"Think about what I said, Remus. You don't have to hide."

She left, turning her back to the figure who had hid his agonized eyes behind his hands.

*

After Molly left Remus moved Nymphadora to his room, tucked her in carefully, and brushed the hair off her forehead. He sat down a chair he had conjured up, took her small hand in his, and just sat like that, gazing at her face that was so peaceful in sleep.

And when he finally opened his mouth to speak the only thing he could find to say were two simple words.

"I'm sorry."


	4. Simple

Lupin awoke the next morning to find himself on the mattress beside Tonks and Molly Weasley sitting in the chair he had made the night before. He stood up suddenly.

"Name?"

"Molly Weasley, wife to Arthur Weasley and mother to 6 boys and one girl, the last time I saw you was yesterday when you sent for me because Tonks had been poisoned."

Lupin put his wand back in his robes.

"How did you get in?"

"The door was unlocked, Remus, which I suggest not doing in the future, though it was rather useful this time. Tonks appeared to be in pain, so I levitated you beside her, and she seemed to relax." Mrs. Weasley's eyes twinkled mischievously. "There's breakfast for you on the table."

Lupin went through that day in a daze. Tonks seemed to be coming to, but she was in pain for most of the day and the only thing that seemed to help a bit was too have Remus beside her. Mrs. Weasley could do nothing, though she didn't appear that worried as she looked at Remus' hand clenched tightly in Tonks'. She left after dinner time, when Tonks seemed to be the most relaxed.

The next morning Remus awoke to the sun shining through the open window. He sat up, careful not to jostle Tonks, who had curled closer to him during the night.

"Remus?" her voice was hoarse and low, she didn't open her eyes.

"Nymphadora!" he said in relief. "You're awake? How are you? Don't you dare, ever do that again!"

"Bloody hell I'm awake." she mumbled, keeping her voice slow. "Else-wise I couldn't talk."

"Tonks…Nymphadora… Dora. Do you want anything to drink? To eat?" Lupin was so relieved that she had woken that he hardly had any idea what he was saying.

"Water..." she croaked, barely lifting her eyelids.

He meet Mrs. Weasley at the door, told her "She's awake" over his shoulder while rushing to the kitchen. A rather bemused Mrs. Weasley went down the hallway to his room. She found Tonks trying to sit up weakly.

"Molly, why are you here? What happened? All I remember is a stomach ache and then, faces." She squinted, trying to remember.

"You were poisoned, Nymphadora. We don't know how, but we didn't want to take you to St. Mungo's in case it was a Ministry official under the Imperius curse."  
Lupin came in then, carrying a cup of water, which he gave to Tonks, making sure she drank. Mrs. Weasley continued.

"Lupin found you in the garden when he came home; you were unconscious, so he called me."

Tonks looked vaguely surprised. "And here I thought that it was rancid chicken!"

Lupin growled slightly.

"Tonks, dear," Mrs. Weasley said. "We need you to tell us what you can remember about that day."

Tonks nodded and closed her eyes, lying back down.

"I went to work; it was paperwork day, nothing unusual. I was home late, made supper, ate a bit of it but the meat tasted off. Then I went into the garden and it started to hurt, and then I couldn't breathe or see and then there were only…only… memories." Her voice had grown hoarser as she talked and Remus held the water out to her again. He didn't notice the red marks where his hands had gouged each other.

"Was there anything unusual that day Tonks? Anyone stop you, any strangers talk to you?" Molly's face was full of sympathy, though Remus could swear there was a satisfactory gleam in her eye whenever she looked his way.

"No, Molly. I stayed late doing paperwork. I was alone." Tonks seemed to sink within herself.

"She's tired, Molly. Couldn't this wait until she's better?" Remus was afraid of what might happen, he didn't want her to be in any more pain than she had already gone through.

"Yes, I can see that. Nymphadora, dear, is it alright if I bring Arthur when I come tomorrow? The Order will want to hear about this."

Tonks nodded her head.

"Good bye then, Remus, you can give her some soup or broth if she wants it, otherwise just let her sleep."

Remus let Molly out, remembering to lock the door behind her before going back to his room. He thought Tonks was asleep, and sat down in the chair and picked up a book from the chest of drawers beside the bed.

"Lupin, how long was I unconscious?" Tonks' strained voice startled Remus.

"I thought you had gone back to sleep."

"Would I be talking if I were asleep?"

Remus felt a wan smile cross his face. "Probably 3 days by now. I don't know quite how long you were unconscious before I came." He moved closer to the bed, smoothed the hair of her forehead without being able to stop himself. "Do you remember anything else?"

She seemed to be drifting to sleep, except for a small jump when he had touched her, she lay so still he might have thought her dead if she wasn't speaking. "Just what I told Molly. Just blackness…and memories…" Her voice trailed of at the end.

Remus nodded, "Go back to sleep Nymphadora."

"Don't call me Nymphadora." She said it with a weariness that seemed unrelated to her exhaustion. Remus felt a pang as he remembered the days when her hair would have turned red in anger. Back then he had thought that perhaps she didn't mind it so much when he said it, (after all, she never threatened to jinx _him._) It didn't seem to be the case anymore.

********

Nothing is ever truly simple. Nymphadora had thought she had learnt that while at Hogwarts. At that point she thought the rest of her life was supposed to be full with her job, whoever she chose to marry. It was not supposed to be filled with new lessons. Nothing is ever simple, not love, not life. She had learnt that again when Remus had broken her heart. Nothing is ever simple; she had decided when she realized that she didn't care about anyone else.

Simple wasn't something Nymphadora was particularly used to. And nor did she want it to be.


	5. Dreams and Reality

_Remus is a fool_, _Nymphadora. He hasn't given in because he is an idiot. Either that or he doesn't love you en-_

Nymphadora quickly stopped that train of thought. Damn it all, she was shopping for Merlin's sake! A perfectly mundane thing to do. Of all the things that could cause her to miss him this had to be one of the least expected.

_Concentrate, Nymphadora. There is no reason for you to be thinking of him. Especially not after _you_ left _him._ Damn it! Concentrate!_

Tonks didn't fully understand why she had left Remus. He hadn't been rude or un-kind-- in fact he had been downright accommodating--but Tonks couldn't face the uncomfortable silences, the tension, the words they both left unsaid. She had left as soon as she could walk, had moved into her own flat (and about time too, an annoyingly mature voice that sounded suspiciously like Remus had said when she bought it.) She hadn't felt right about getting her own place before, leaving her parents right in the middle of a war, but she could feel that it was time. That had been a week ago. Really, she was lucky she had gotten the flat so quickly. Lucky her mother had a friend with a flat on the market.

She was trying to forget.

************

Remus quite liked his return to hermit status.

At least, the reasonable, intelligent side of Remus liked his renewed status. He tried not to dwell on the other side.

Long ago Remus had enjoyed his weekly trips to the Muggle supermarket. There he was regarded as just another person intent on finding the best deals. There were no snide remarks when they thought he couldn't hear, no sideways glances when they thought he couldn't see them. In a Muggle supermarket, Remus was normal.

Remus had gone shopping with Dora once. They had been planning a party for Sirius' birthday and had entertained themselves by trying to find the most ridiculous presents. That party had turned out to be one of the best days of Remus' life. It seemed amazing to him now that they had been so happy and carefree – if only for a few hours—with the threat of a newly resurrected sadistic bastard looming over their heads, but they had managed.

Preoccupied with his thoughts as he was Remus turned into the next aisle without bothering to look up, which is probably why he didn't notice the other shopping cart turning onto the aisle he had just left. With a loud CRASH the carts met, and Remus hit the floor with a thump as groceries went flying. He heard some muttered curses and an equally painful thump as the other person fell as well.

Disoriented, Remus looked around. For one moment he had a sense of déjà vu. Remus had first met Dora when she had tripped over the troll's foot in Grimmauld Place and landed heavily on Remus.

"Dora."

Shit.

Why did it have to be now? Remus had actually almost forgotten about that part of his life for a few minutes.

"Lupin? Oh Merlin's pants! I'll help you pick it up"

She looked rather adorably shocked to see him

"Nonsense, Tonks. I am just as much at fault as you are. Hand up?" Remus had picked himself up off the ground and held out a hand to Tonks, only to find her scrambling around on her knees, trying to pick up wayward groceries.

"Tonks, it's alright. No one is looking." Remus pulled out his wand and levitated the groceries into the shopping carts.

"Ah…right. Sorry." Dora looked awfully awkward, her hands fisting the material of her shirt where it went over her hips.

"Well… good-day, Tonks." He gave her a nod before going to stand at the head of his cart.

That was when the not-so-reasonable part of him decided to be heard. "Tonks. Wait. You're well?"

"Fine... I..uh..just bought a flat. Nice to have a place to myself, you know." Dora seemed to realize that she had said far more than the question demanded and stopped. She flushed red with embarrassment, and for a moment Remus allowed himself to mourn the woman she had been before this mess started.

"Good, good." Remus had turned to leave when Dora blurted out "And you? Are you well?"

Did she notice his small hesitation? "Yes. I'm fine." Then, ignoring the part of him that was screaming, "Why did you lie?" Remus walked away.

*** *** ***

Remus was even more haunted by his ghostly visions of Dora after the meeting at the grocery store. His not-so-reasonable side plagued his reasonable side with questions. She had recently been ill; did she look like she had recovered? Did she have shadows under her eyes? If so, why couldn't she sleep?

That night Remus reflected on how sad it was that he was too responsible to get good and pissed. He drank, of course, but he had never liked the feeling of being drunk, and had learnt to consider himself vulnerable when in that state.

But damn, it would have helped.

And so it was that when Albus' head appeared in Remus' fire he was busy considering a bottle of Firewhisky and didn't notice the Headmaster until he cleared his throat several times, each louder than the last.

"Headmaster."

"Good evening, Remus. I must leave the school for several hours. Are you free to patrol? Just a few hours, of course."

Remus shrugged. It seemed like too much effort to actually reply.

"Thank-you, Remus."

Remus nodded. All in all, it wasn't exactly something he could refuse to do.

"You can Floo into my office then, in five minutes? Good, I'll just be heading over to Nymphadora's… unless she's here with you?"

"Of course not, Albus."

"Of course, of course. Well, I'll just be going, Remus."

Albus had always been one of the people who didn't agree with Remus' stance against Nymphadora. Remus was glad that he seemed too busy to stay and chat for a while, Remus was definitely not in the mood for word games.

*** *** ***

When Dora had next woken in Remus' bed it had been from a dream. It hadn't been a bad dream, just not a particularly nice one either. It had been sad, and laced with resignation.

And Dora had realized the truth.

Remus no longer loved her.

And there was nothing she could do (that was legal, anyway) to change that.

The dream had begun innocently enough, little snatches of memories, inconsequential in the great scheme of things. The tentative touches, the hesitant smiles, the glances when they thought the other wasn't looking. Then came the scenes where Dora began to break down the carefully constructed wall Remus had constructed around himself, then scenes where Remus began to respond, when the usually guarded, careful expression in his eyes softened, just enough to tell her she wasn't unwelcome.

Just for a moment Dora allowed herself to remember all the memories she had locked away, memories of the first glance that neither looked away from, the first kiss, first date.

That was when the dream changed, when memories suffused with happiness ran out. Suddenly the memories were of her tentative touches only to find Remus was no longer there, the fake smiles she presented to the world, while watching his back, willing him to turn around, smile at her, and roll his eyes as Moody went off on another paranoid rant. Perhaps worst of all were the memories of the glances he no longer returned, for those glances, apparently so inconsequential had meant one important thing. They had both been thinking of each other, had both wanted to see if the other got the irony, or the sarcasm.

And then had came the memory of _that _conversation, the one where he had shattered her dreams that he would again look across the table, meet her eyes, share in her amusement, or deliberately brush her fingers while passing her the salt. Dora had tried so hard not to cry, because that would be stupid since she shouldn't even care about what he was saying, shouldn't be hurt by his simplifying everything that had happened between them, cheapening her memories by saying such stupid, _stupid_ things. But Merlin it _did_ hurt, and she couldn't understand why he was doing this to her, didn't _want_ to understand. She noticed that her cheeks were wet, that she had lost the battle against her tears, but it no longer mattered, because nothing mattered without Remus, and then the pain was going, replaced with numbness, because how was she supposed to feel when her heart had been torn out?

And yet, the small part of her that still survived underneath the numbness whispered traitorously in her mind that she should have known, because she had always had an instinct for knowing when something was going to happen, and she had been feeling restless for days.

Dora remembered that dream, the night of the grocery incident. She had been restless all day, feeling the future shift around her, knowing something was going to happen. She had thought, possibly, that it had been the grocery incident, but the feeling of being suffocated hadn't abated.

Perhaps that was why she wasn't surprised when Dumbledore' s head appeared in her fire, why she agreed to patrol without a second thought, why, minutes later, she floo'd into the Headmaster's office and began patrolling.

The corridors were quiet; the only ones walking them the patrollers and the ghosts, who'd once again offered their help. It was eerie, this quiet that even Peeves did not disturb. Dora no longer liked the quiet, with nothing but her thoughts to keep her company. Dora tried to ignore her own thoughts as much as possible. When she heard someone approaching her, calling her name, it echoed strangely in the stillness.

"Lupin, what's wrong?" Dora asked, and listened to Remus' hurried explanation of students allowing Death Eaters into the school. They began running half-way through.


	6. Sweet Little Nymphadora

Remus had forgotten the sheer size of Hogwarts castle, how long it takes to run from one end to another. He had to slow to a brisk walk only halfway there, tired already from running to find Nymphadora. She walked along-side him, brow furrowed and lips slightly pursed. Remus felt an unexpected rush of protectiveness towards her. If anything happened to her it would be partly his fault, his fault for being the one to refuse her and lead her into this downward spiral of weakened magic. Her magic had been weak for months, and she had just been ill—again, Remus' fault.

"Nymphadora, promise me that you will protect yourself, that you won't take any unnecessary risks."

Her head tilted upwards, almost defiantly, and a little of the old fire sparked into being in her eyes. "And that, Lupin, is exactly the one the thing I can't understand in this whole situation. How you can go from being cold one second to caring the next! Be careful, Remus," she used his first name without pause, "people might begin to think you care!"

"I do care." It seemed important that, walking towards possible death, he tell her, at least part of the truth.

She snorted.

How could he make her understand? It would be so easy to stop walking, to take her shoulders, make her face him, kiss her. But he felt that it probably wasn't the best time.

"I'm not natural, Tonks. I'm a danger to anyone I get close to."

"I don't see a monster beside me, Remus! I just see Remus Lupin, the man convinced that he is unworthy to live. Remus bloody Lupin, the man with the carefully constructed walls around himself. Despite what you think, you _are _human, Remus. No one can live like you are." Her eyes were bright with pain, bitterness, and un-shed tears.

Remus just stared at her, because no one had ever said that in words before. The other Marauders had tried to show him with actions, but they had never fully accepted the wolf in him. He tried to think of something to say, but then they heard yells from around the corner, and before they knew it the fight was upon them.

*** *** ***

Later, Tonks was always surprised by how much of the fight she didn't remember. She dueled mindlessly, relying on her instincts, but could tell that they were losing, that too many allies were getting hurt. Some students joined them, and that was just wrong. No student was supposed to have to protect Hogwarts. Nothing bad was supposed to happen there, especially with Dumbledore as Headmaster. Tonks saw Snape heading towards them and felt relief, for Snape was a powerful wizard, but then he was past her and going up the stairs. Weren't those the stairs that Neville had been unable to go up? Then Tonks had no more time to think as a spell shot past her. Part of the ceiling fell, and there was Remus, and oh, thank Merlin, he looked uninjured. Tonks dodged two spells and began casting back furiously.

Snape was back, surely he would help them. But no, Snape was clutching Draco Malfoy, and they were both covered in dust. Had Snape made sure Malfoy couldn't run from his punishment? Something seemed off, but the Death-Eaters had been joined by more of their brethren, so she let Snape and Malfoy pass un-challenged. She thought she heard Snape say something, but then she couldn't see him or Malfoy anywhere. Next thing Tonks knew the Death-Eaters were retreating. Had she missed a signal of some sort? Had the Death-Eaters really broken into Hogwarts only to wreak a little bit of havoc? Didn't they want something? There was less dueling then and more throwing debilitating curses at the retreating Death-Eaters.

The protectors of Hogwarts followed the last of the Death-Eaters to the doors, stopping as many as they could before they managed to get to the gates.

Tonks was so tired. She didn't know if she was exhausted from the fight, or if too many nights spent trying not to brood were finally catching up with her. And frankly? She couldn't be bothered to care about anything other than being tired, and worrying about who had been hurt during the fight.

She could hear frightened students talking, could hear scared shrieks, worried mumbling. She understood their feelings. Hogwarts was the place that had often seemed like the last safe haven on earth. Their sense of safety had been destroyed. In a way, their childhood was gone. The ones who hadn't already would soon begin to question the precious illusions that children are the keeper of.

The world was a little darker that night—for current Hogwarts students as well as former ones.

"Excuse me? Are you Nymphadora Tonks?"

Tonks turned around to nod at a girl – by the look of her about sixteen-- who had timidly walked to stand five feet behind her.

The girl sighed in relief. "Professor McGonagall sent me to find you. She said to tell you to gather in the Hospital Wing."

"Thank you," Tonks told the girl, who smiled and left. Tonks took one last look out the doors and then turned to walk to the Wing she remembered vividly from the many times she had visited it during her school days, trying not to panic about the fact that the _Hospital _Wing was the place they had chosen to meet. Wasn't that a bad sign?

*** *** ***

Seeing Bill Weasley's mutilated face reminded Remus horribly of the attack when he was a boy. That was why he couldn't get closer to Nymphadora. He could have done that to her. He could have done worse. Fenrir had done so much damage to Bill, and it wasn't even the full moon.

The image of Nymphadora lying in the hospital bed, her body ripped-- damage _he_ had caused, made Remus' stomach turn.

Speak of the devil...Nymphadora walked into the room, her eyes darting around, searching through the people in front of her, and Remus knew that she was looking for him. She appeared to be mostly unhurt, though with a few long scratches. She looked better than he thought she would, and Remus allows himself to stop worrying.

She looked over at Bill, obviously decided she could do nothing to help, and took a chair in a corner. Remus felt the last of the adrenaline leave his body. Even his bones felt weary, and he ached in places he usually only noticed after full moons. He watched as Nymphadora relaxed and, eventually, the tension in her body left completely.

She looked so... peaceful. How could he even _think_ about tainting her with his presence? Yet the words she'd said to him continued to haunt him, messing with his mind.

"_Despite what you think, you are human, Remus. No one can live like you are."_

He pushed those thoughts away, leaving them for a later time when they wouldn't steal his thoughts away from watching her sleep.

*** *** ***

When Harry told them of Dumbledore's death, Tonks pinched herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming. Remus looked oddly numb, slightly detached, shattered, and wasn't looking at her.

Tonks had been wrong, before. The world wasn't only a little bit darker, it was a lot darker. Dumbledore had often seemed indestructible, as if he had been around forever, and always would be. He was supposed to be the greatest wizard of their time (and many others.) He had been their rallying point, their leader. Who would they turn to now he was gone? The question was staggering with its implications.

Fawke's song made tears form in Tonks' eyes. She wanted to cuddle up to Remus, to offer him comfort and receive comfort in return. One glance at Remus' slightly hunched form dashed any hopes Tonks had had that that action would be warmly received.

*** *** ***

When Fleur started fussing over Bill Tonks broke. The pain, rejection, and sorrow welled up in her chest, and she yelled at Remus in her pain, not caring that there was an audience or that Remus was already in pain and probably didn't need any more. Once she ran out of inspiration (Remus' answer did nothing to help her) and the pain threatened to drown her she found that she could not stand to be in the somber room any longer.

No one spoke for a few seconds after Nymphadora strode out. Remus felt shattered, and didn't pay much attention as the others started conversing quietly.


	7. Begin to Hope

"Whoever the bloody hell it is, they better be knocking on my door for a damn good reason!" Tonks shouted as she headed toward her front door. She opened it to reveal Remus, and then promptly closed it in his face.

"Nymphadora, please let me in." he begged.

"Back on first name basis, are we? I can't deal with you today. Go away."

Remus sighed. "We have to talk, Dora."

"Actually, I think we've done enough talking, Remus. I'm sure all that you could say has already been said."

"Dora, I've been thinking-

"Really? Did that hurt?" interrupted Tonks.

"Not until I'd been doing so for several hours. Please let me in?"

"Not a chance, Remus. Whatever your _thinking _has enlightened you with, I'm sure you can say it from where you are."

Remus sighed again. He had to admit that it wasn't exactly the way he'd planned for this to go. "Last night was hard for all of us—

"Which is exactly why I can't deal with you right now. Haven't you done enough damage to me, Remus?"

Her voice came out more plaintive and weak than she liked.

"Look, Dora, I know I've been a terrible bastard. But could you please let me finish?"

She was silent, and Remus took that as assent.

"I know I've been an idiot lately. I know I've hurt you."

Remus heard Dora snort.

"And I'm really, really sorry. I just..." Remus sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I've spent my whole life afraid to let anyone get too close, because I was afraid I'd hurt them or they'd hurt me. But... maybe it doesn't need to be that way."

"Congratulations, Remus. It's taken you more than thirty years to realize something most people realize at age ten." Dora's voice was still sharp, but not quite as scathing.

Remus sighed. "I'm not exactly the brightest wolf in the pack when it comes to my emotions."

Dora almost let herself laugh.

"I don't..." Remus paused. "I don't expect you to take me back right away, or to _ever _take me back, really, or even to not hate me... but I felt I... owed it to you to come and tell you."

"Tell me what?"

Dora could hear Remus shift from foot to foot.

"I love you. Loved you for a while, actually, and that was a bit of why I wanted to push you away so much."

"What did you think would happen after you told me?" Dora pushed her eye against the peep hole in the door. Remus looked as though he hadn't slept the night before. He had his hands stuffed in the pockets of his Muggle pants like an abashed school-boy.

"Ah...well, of course, I'd wished you'd accept me and we could start over again..."

"And what if I rejected you?"

"Then," Remus took a breath. "Then I hoped we could at least be amicable. I'd probably go back to avoiding you, though."

"And if I accepted you?"

Remus visibly puffed up with hope. "I'd try... listening to you, and your version of my monstrosity. I'd _try, _Dora. I wouldn't be perfect, and I'd probably try to keep you away every once in a while, and no doubt we'd fight quite a bit, but I'd try. Because I want it, truly I do."

Tonks hesitated with her hand over the door handle. Her heart was lodged in her throat. Knowing she held Remus' love was a heady feeling. But... it had hurt her so much, that love. And as much as her heart was telling her to invite him in, her mind was telling her to protect herself. It seemed foolish, somehow, to send the person she was in love with away, but it wasn't exactly like the reasons for Remus rejecting her had disappeared.

She slumped against the door. "Remus... please just go home."

"Dora?"

She raised her head to keep the tears from falling. "I just _can't_, Remus. I can't! And what the hell possessed you to come down here today of all days?" She punched the door. For a second, it seemed like anger would keep her suitably distracted. Then she noticed the pain in her hand, and the anger evaporated. "Please go."

"I— Dora, why?"

"I have a chance of getting over this eventually, some day. I don't want to be hurt again." She hated how pitiful she sounded.

"Oh." He sounded defeated. "Of course. I... I understand."

Dora heard him turn to leave.

"And, Dora? For what it's worth... I'm sorry, and I love you."

She sobbed as she heard him leaving. Why did protecting herself have to hurt so damn much? _She _was sending _him_ away. She should feel _good _about this.

She rose to look once again through the peep-hole. Remus had apparently opted out of Apparating, and she could see him walking away along the road, shoulders slumped. Part of her wanted to feel happy about seeing _him _defeated, instead of the other way around, but it wasn't a very big part.

She heard his words again. "_I've spent my whole life afraid to let anyone get too close, because I was afraid I'd hurt them or they'd hurt me."_

"_I'm not natural, Tonks. I'm a danger to anyone I get close to."_

Of course, vaguely, she'd realized he was trying to protect her, the miss-guided prat, but that had never exactly featured in her thoughts during moments of self-pity.

It was just... he was such an _ass! _After all this time, after all her suffering, _this_ was when he decided to pull his head out from where the sun doesn't shine?

And, Tonks realized, she loved him anyway.

"Bugger." she said.

Wasn't there some great, hippy, way-too-happy quote about love being the most important thing?

She swore again, just for good measure.

Was it possible to make it work?

Would she be able to pull back if it didn't?

Righting herself from her slumped position, Tonks opened the door.

"Remus!" she yelled down the street, but he didn't seem to hear her.

She started running, following his form with her eyes and yelling his name again and again.

"Dora?" he turned around. She continued to run until she was only a foot away from him.

"I might possibly still love you."

"Dora?"

"I also might possibly have rethought my words from before."

"Which ones?"

"The ones that implied I didn't want to do this." She reached out, grabbed his head, and brought his lips down to hers. She could feel him smile against her lips until she pulled away.

"Any sane girl would probably tell you to piss off, you know that, right?"

The smile disappeared and Remus looked down. He nodded.

"Well," Tonks drawled lazily "I guess you're lucky I'm _not _sane."

Remus looked at her. "Dora? You mean...?"

"Yeah." Dora smiled and reached out and briefly touched his cheek. "Want to come back with me and see my flat?"

_The End _

**Author's Note: So, that's the end. It took me exactly a year to get here, isn't that sad? It felt right to end it here, even though I have a couple other "later" scenes written. Special thanks to my friend Cecile who put up with me throughout my writing of this, and told me to do the "Tonks sends Remus away, then calls him back" scene. Also, thanks goes to everyone who's read this.**


End file.
